I was making yam porridge this afternoon since it was my turn to cook for me and my girlfriend.

Just as I was pouring palm oil into the boiling water, she suddenly stormed into the kitchen from the backyard where she was doing our laundry, panting like someone who had just finished a marathon race.

"What is this, Desmond?" she said, waving something across my face.

"What is it?" I asked, dropping the bottle of palm oil on the kitchen counter.

"What is this picture doing in the pocket of your trousers?" she held out the thing to me. It was a picture of a smiling lady—my ex-girlfriend, Susanna.

"Desmond, what is this picture of Susanna doing in your pocket, eh?" she continued in anger.

Me: It's just a picture.

Girlfriend: *screaming* It's just a picture what? Desmond, isn't this your ex-girlfriend, Susanna, eh? What are you doing with her picture?

Me: Baby, it's not what you're thinking.

Girlfriend: What do you mean it's not what I'm thinking. What man walks around with the picture of their ex-girlfriend?

Me: I wish you know how much this picture benefits both of us. If you knew, you won't be shouting like this.

Girlfriend: How does you cheating on me benefit me?! Eh, Desmond? In fact, I think you still like her. I think you still like her.

Me: No, I actually don't like her. I want her.

Girlfriend: *her brows crinkle in shock* What?

Me: Yes, I want her. And I'm not the only person who wants her. The police want her, too. She's a wanted woman.

Girlfriend: *confused* What do you mean?

Me: The police want her. She was involved in the kidnapping of a child, so they were distributing pictures of her around.

Girlfriend: You don't mean this.

Me: I'm serious. Very serious... *takes the picture from her with a smile*... And I plan to make other copies, as the police want us to make and distribute pictures of her in hopes of catching her. They said they'll reward the person that finds her with 50 million naira.

Girlfriend: *eyes sparkling* What?

Me: *waving the picture in her face* This is money! This is moving money. I'm only walking around with this picture in my pocket so I can show it to people and ask if they've seen her. Once I catch her, I'll take her to the police station and take the 50 million naira, which will benefit both of us. Don't you want to drive a car one day? Don't you want to visit the Maldives?

Girlfriend: *starts smiling* So she's wanted. You should have told me earlier na. I would have helped you distribute the pictures and search for her.

Me: Yes, she's a wanted, with a bounty of 50 million naira... *hands my girlfriend the picture*... In fact, you should photocopy this picture so you can have a copy to carry around with you when you go around looking for her.

Girlfriend: I'll certainly do that.

Me: But if you find her, don't hold her ooo.

Girlfriend: *confused* Why? I thought you wanted us to catch her.

Me: You know Susanna is much bigger than you are. She might escape or even beat you. If you find her, just ask for her Facebook name, and maybe her phone number and then bring them to me.

Girlfriend: Why na?

Me: I'll submit those details to the police and go with them to arrest her.

Girlfriend: Oh, I understand now.

Me: Yes, as I said earlier, I don't like her. I want her. The police wants her.

Girlfriend: We'll soon be rich.

Me: Yes, we will. You can go and continue with the clothes you were washing. When you're done, we'll go together to make more copies of this picture.

*My girlfriend turns and leaves the kitchen to the backyard*

Me that just escaped: