Couples struggle with communication because we listen to reply. If we listened to understand, conversations would look different because your partner would feel heard.

New York Times bestselling author Cheryl Richardson said, “People start to heal the moment they feel heard.” I love this quote and I see it happen all the time when I am working with couples. When I help couples learn to take the time to postpone their own agenda and listen, to truly listen to their partner, the conversation looks different.

It is important to show your partner that you are listening with understanding and empathy. Your partner will feel heard when you validate their feelings. Validation does not mean that you agree with everything you heard. It just means that from your partner’s perspective, you can see why they felt that way and you can understand their views.

Every time I see a couple do this for the first time, I know I am watching an amazing communication transformation. When I notice that it has become the new pattern of communication, I know that the couple is on their way to getting back the feelings that they desire.