I will kill you with my awesomeness...

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.

I am not funny. What I am is brave.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You will realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

LIKE if you can`t tell the difference between coke and pepsi.

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

I'm soo poor... I can't even pay attention